December 9th, 2010

I recently got in contact with an old friend.  I've known him for over 20 years, but lost touch with him for eight of those years.  It was actually about a year ago that we just got back in touch again.

I thought that he would see how I've grown and changed, but he like my family acts like I haven't changed at all.  I quit drinking years ago, not because I can't handle being hung over, or because I'm an alcoholic, or even for religious reasons.  I quit because it made me sick. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that I don't vomit from it, but I get physically sick for at least a day from drinking one night.  Never liked it much anyway, except for cooking -- but that is another matter....

So this friend plans to spend a day with me -- going to the old haunts, and generally getting back in touch with each other.  It was a failure.  What was the quote from "Sex in the City" that Carrie said??  Ah, yes.  "Apparently, you can go home again, but it will cost you."

So what did this cost me?  My self respect for drinking and breaking a promise to myself.  Two or three days of my life that I will never get back, and probably a few brain cells.

I didn't mind hanging out with him, mind you, I just minded the fact that he kept insisting on buying me drinks and hounding me to finish them.  I enjoyed dancing with him like the old days, but I never needed the alcohol to do that, just needed a dance floor and some good music.  (I was the teenager that wore a hole in her mother's carpet in the living room dancing to music playing on the radio or from tapes so long ago....)  Did I otherwise misbehave or break Muslim rules, no.  I was even good and didn't eat pork -- which has been my hardest challenge in converting...

Would I spend the day with him again? Not if he can't except that I no longer drink, and that I have changed....

I will say this for him, he was more caring and considerate than my so-called-husband is on almost everything.  The only exception is the bad scene with my asthma.  We were finally leaving the city, and we had to walk uphill to the car, but I started having an asthma attack when we started up the hill.  I was doubled over gasping for breath and even told my friend that I needed my asthma inhaler.  His response, "You can get it when you get to the car at the top of the hill."  Then he doesn't understand why I got upset and up-ended my purse on the sidewalk to find my inhaler.  I couldn't breathe, couldn't think of where my inhaler was in my purse, and couldn't move much anymore.  The only thing I could do was get angry.  I get angry, I get extra strength from a hidden well inside.  When my hip gave out on me last February, and I fell down, the only thing I could do then was get angry to get myself back up.  My ever-useful husband just rubbed my back and asked if I was alright.

So back to last night, my friend made the comment that he didn't understand why I got angry.  I said to him after I could speak at all, "I... love you... but I... fail to.... understand... how,... after being... so kind... and... considerate to....  me all day,.. you ignore... my obvious.... distress."  He had no comment.  I don't think that he believed that I was truly in so much distress, but I refused to go to the Emergency Room because all I could think of was the $5000 bill, and how my friend would never let me live down the fact that I kept him up all night or made him miss his flight out....

Maybe I should have had him take me to the ER.  I wouldn't have been in respiratory distress for a couple of hours or so.  Probably would have been just as tired, and more sleep deprived.

December 16th, 2010

So it's been about a week since I wrote that.  Do I still regret that night?  Yes, and no.  I still regret drinking and breaking a promise to myself.  But I don't regret going out and dancing with my friend -- it made me push my body in a way I haven't done for a very long time.  And I am the better for it.  These old bones are moving better, and functioning better than they have in almost a year.  Should I have gone to the hospital?  Yes, but only because my friend never believed that I was so ill.  We haven't spoken since he got on his flight out of state.

Why do people do this?  Act like people never grow up or change?  I was an 18-year-old child when I met him for the first time.  Of course a person grows up and changes.  My infamous siblings do the same thing, and act like I'm still a 5 or 6 year old child.  I'm a little older than that now -- I'm just going through menopause.

Until next time, have a lovely day....