December 9th, 2010

I recently got in contact with an old friend.  I've known him for over 20 years, but lost touch with him for eight of those years.  It was actually about a year ago that we just got back in touch again.

I thought that he would see how I've grown and changed, but he like my family acts like I haven't changed at all.  I quit drinking years ago, not because I can't handle being hung over, or because I'm an alcoholic, or even for religious reasons.  I quit because it made me sick. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that I don't vomit from it, but I get physically sick for at least a day from drinking one night.  Never liked it much anyway, except for cooking -- but that is another matter....

So this friend plans to spend a day with me -- going to the old haunts, and generally getting back in touch with each other.  It was a failure.  What was the quote from "Sex in the City" that Carrie said??  Ah, yes.  "Apparently, you can go home again, but it will cost you."

So what did this cost me?  My self respect for drinking and breaking a promise to myself.  Two or three days of my life that I will never get back, and probably a few brain cells.

I didn't mind hanging out with him, mind you, I just minded the fact that he kept insisting on buying me drinks and hounding me to finish them.  I enjoyed dancing with him like the old days, but I never needed the alcohol to do that, just needed a dance floor and some good music.  (I was the teenager that wore a hole in her mother's carpet in the living room dancing to music playing on the radio or from tapes so long ago....)  Did I otherwise misbehave or break Muslim rules, no.  I was even good and didn't eat pork -- which has been my hardest challenge in converting...

Would I spend the day with him again? Not if he can't except that I no longer drink, and that I have changed....

I will say this for him, he was more caring and considerate than my so-called-husband is on almost everything.  The only exception is the bad scene with my asthma.  We were finally leaving the city, and we had to walk uphill to the car, but I started having an asthma attack when we started up the hill.  I was doubled over gasping for breath and even told my friend that I needed my asthma inhaler.  His response, "You can get it when you get to the car at the top of the hill."  Then he doesn't understand why I got upset and up-ended my purse on the sidewalk to find my inhaler.  I couldn't breathe, couldn't think of where my inhaler was in my purse, and couldn't move much anymore.  The only thing I could do was get angry.  I get angry, I get extra strength from a hidden well inside.  When my hip gave out on me last February, and I fell down, the only thing I could do then was get angry to get myself back up.  My ever-useful husband just rubbed my back and asked if I was alright.

So back to last night, my friend made the comment that he didn't understand why I got angry.  I said to him after I could speak at all, "I... love you... but I... fail to.... understand... how,... after being... so kind... and... considerate to....  me all day,.. you ignore... my obvious.... distress."  He had no comment.  I don't think that he believed that I was truly in so much distress, but I refused to go to the Emergency Room because all I could think of was the $5000 bill, and how my friend would never let me live down the fact that I kept him up all night or made him miss his flight out....

Maybe I should have had him take me to the ER.  I wouldn't have been in respiratory distress for a couple of hours or so.  Probably would have been just as tired, and more sleep deprived.

December 16th, 2010

So it's been about a week since I wrote that.  Do I still regret that night?  Yes, and no.  I still regret drinking and breaking a promise to myself.  But I don't regret going out and dancing with my friend -- it made me push my body in a way I haven't done for a very long time.  And I am the better for it.  These old bones are moving better, and functioning better than they have in almost a year.  Should I have gone to the hospital?  Yes, but only because my friend never believed that I was so ill.  We haven't spoken since he got on his flight out of state.

Why do people do this?  Act like people never grow up or change?  I was an 18-year-old child when I met him for the first time.  Of course a person grows up and changes.  My infamous siblings do the same thing, and act like I'm still a 5 or 6 year old child.  I'm a little older than that now -- I'm just going through menopause.

Until next time, have a lovely day....

Divorce

Divorce is something very common in the United States -- too common really.  I waited to marry just because  I didn't want to become another one of those statistics.  I didn't want to end up like my parents.  Yet, here I am not just wanting to divorce my husband of just over a year, but already having filled out the paperwork and actively looking for a time to file it.

There are so many reasons that we should divorce, and yet I can find few to stay married.

First, there is the fact that he lied to me before we got married.  He told me that his Visa status was good and not to worry about it.  He then tells me four months later that he has been here on an expired Visa since 2001.  I will tolerate a lot from someone, but not lying -- especially from my husband.

Then there is the fact that he doesn't live with me.  He has only been here four times to visit me, not including the trip he made to marry me.  That includes a near six month stint where I didn't see him.

He refuses to help me, but expects me to help him.  The Qur'an says that the husband is to support the wife and to pay the bills.  I have been struggling to survive on unemployment for well over a year.  Not only does he refuse to help me pay my bills, but he has also told me that it is my job to support him.  I once asked him what would happen if the doctors put me on bed rest while pregnant with his child.  He said, "Oh, you will live off of your savings."  He wants me to have his child, but he wants me to pay for it.

He recently went on and on about how I am a failure in life and beneath him, because his cousins have married doctors, lawyers, and such.  I am just an out of work Buyer/Administrative/Contracts Assistant and I don't make any real money for him to live off of.

He recently started bugging me about contacting the INS about getting his paperwork started.  I told him that a paralegal that specializes in Immigration Law told me that we have to be married and living together for two years before I can file anything.  He said, "Ok, good.  We only have one more year to go."  Completely ignoring the second half of my statement.

He made it very clear the last time he was here that he will not help me with my rent should my unemployment run out.  Not only to me, but also to a few of my house mates.  So I asked him, "Would you rather see your wife homeless, then to help her anymore?"  The sound of crickets would have been a better response, because he gave none.

Is there anything good about my marriage?  Other than legally changing my last name so people I don't want in my life can't find me, no, there is nothing currently good about it

Is there any reason to stay married at this point?  Not that I can see.  I feel as though he is just using me for his own end, and I am left to flop around like a ignored, dying fish that has been pulled out of the water and left on the shore.

I converted to Islam for him, but I would ask him questions, and he would flippantly tell me to read the Qur'an.  When I would call him on his bad behavior and quote the appropriate Qur'anic text, he would say, "It doesn't say that."  He tells my friends that they need to get me to wear the same clothes as they do, and to wear the hijab everyday, but provides no money for a new wardrobe.  The last time he was here, I made no effort to look good for him, and he made no notice one way or another.

It has gotten to the point where I don't know how to talk to him.  He asks me how I am, if I tell him that I am sick he ignores it and asks about my cats.  He once even yelled at me for insisting on money for food and making him miss a party.  Mind you that it was in the middle of Rahamadan.  Why is he going to a party in the middle of the Holy Month anyway???

I asked him for a little money this month for food because my check was delayed, and he told me no.  The closest assistance for Halal food is some 20 miles away, and since I have no car, I have no way of getting there.  What am I to do?

I finally got mad with him and told him that I am actively looking for another husband.  He said that I was giving him a "heart attack", and treating him badly.

I never wanted to get divorced, but a husband that is more harmful than good, what am I to do?

Until next time, have a lovely day....